100th post

In honor of my 100th blog post I am doing a post a little different than usual. 

The following list represents the 10 things I am going to do between now and my next 100 posts.  These are not things that I usually do or have done before.  While I think comfort is great, I know that I want to push myself a little bit outside of that bubble.  Not too much...but a little bit.  These are not being done to prove myself to anyone or to grant the wishes of others that I become more out-going, extroverted, etc...because I cannot change those things, nor do I want to.  These are for solely my satisfaction (and maybe the satisfaction of those around me who will also reap the direct benefits).  So, before I reach my 200th post, these are the things I will do:

10.  Visit a foreign country or two. My family and I are scheduled to visit Norway in June of this year.  My first time in any place outside the United States (not counting a trip across the border to Tijuana, Mexico).
9. Go para-sailing.  To some this sounds like a relaxed and fun day on the lake.  For me, this will be exhilarating and a possible "just peed my pants" moment.  By no means am I a fan of water or heights, but for some reason, the thought of doing this kind of excites me.
8. Bake mini chocolate souffles.
7. Visit Yellowstone National Park.  It is SO close! I need to go before my time in Missoula comes to an end.
6.  Spend a night in a bed and breakfast.  I did with my  mom and sister when I was younger, but I would love to relax and eat a delicious breakfast with Casey or a dear friend.
5. Experience more red wine.
4. Snowshoe.  I've said this for a while and it could still happen this winter. 
3. Propose my thesis for graduate school.  This WILL happen (unless I get blog-happy and crank out 100 more posts in the near future), but who knows exactly when or what the topic will be...that is my goal for this summer to decide. 
2. Spend a summer in Clarkston.  I have been waiting to do this since this time last year.  And I think it is finally going to happen...I feel Clarkston has potential that I just need to discover.  We have become closer over the years, but it still hasn't convinced me it is the town for me.  I'm giving it another shot.
1. Plant a garden that thrives and produces wonderful and juicy fruits and vegetables.  I plan on starting seeds in a month or two!

[Side note: as noted, some of these aspirations are already planned, others not, and I will keep my vast audience of blog readers updated as I go!]

Breathe

Taking a second to take a deep breath.  I thought that writing a blog post was a good excuse to take a breather.  Between the weather, a needs assessment project for women who are homeless or in transitional housing, three other classes, a long distance relationship, the snow, a behavior change plan for an undergraduate student, instructing a beginning fitness class for 30+ (some not so motivated) students, some papers to grade, a weekend girls trip, ordering dissemination materials, looking up various state's HIV testing numbers, and the weather...I'm about spent.

I'm not looking for sympathy or judgment, just using this as a place to get it all out there and go on with my day.  It is six in the evening and still on the plan for today is Zumba, studying for tomorrow's exam, reading for tomorrow's discussion class, and getting a good night of rest.

That was a great deep breath and I actually feel a little rejuvenated...Hmm.

Independence vs. Loneliness

The two words have completely different meanings, but as I travel through this chapter in my life, the two notions often overlap or become interrelated.  I am certainly becoming more independent in the simplest sense of the word.  I now do things on my own- not always by choice, but because its the situation I am in right now.  I am here in Missoula, away from my closest family and friends.  I am going through this journey in this specific place independently.  That does not mean that I am going through my life independently, because that certainly is not true, I have many loved ones with me on that journey.  But in this specific journey in this specific place at this specific time in my life, I am alone.  I do have friends and acquaintances here in Missoula, but they have their own lives.  Their lives and mine have not completely integrated...yet.  I still have another year hear and I imagine I will be come closer with all of them-maybe even integrate myself into their lives.  In sum, this is an independent journey.  I am learning to be my own motivator, care-taker, and opinion maker, whereas before, I often relied on friends and loved ones to help motivate, offer their opinions, and we took care of each other.  That is what I mean by independent.  I view it as a good thing, and as a way to learn valuable life lessons that will become increasingly more important as I age, mature and blossom. 

Loneliness.  Not to be confused with independence, as mentioned before, although I feel that they can often tangle themselves.  Well, they don't tangle themselves, but they get tangled in one's mind. Loneliness refers to being alone or in a state of isolation.  Often, my independence feels a little lonely.  As I mentioned, I have many friends and new acquaintances here, but none that I feel I could call on a Wednesday night to share a glass of wine or a good laugh with.  This often leads me to a feeling of loneliness, even though sometimes I view my ability to get through that Wednesday night without a major breakdown as growing independence.  See how they can often become interrelated.  I try not to isolate myself-I love hanging out with people and relaxing, but it is tricky sometimes.

In a nutshell, by my book, independence can come from placing a positive twist on being alone, and vice versa: loneliness can come from placing a negative twist on independence.  This is why I try to view life and my experience here in Missoula with a positive attitude, otherwise, I could fall into the deep whole of loneliness rather than learning to be independent. 

As a side note: With successful independence comes the maturity and intelligence to know how and when to integrate others into your life.  For example, sometimes when I have been in Missoula for a few weeks and then see Casey again, I have to relearn how to go on my daily life with another individual to share it with.  I think we are both learning this.  We adjust to our lives without the other one in close proximity-as we should, otherwise this long distance thing would never work, we'd be on the phone or on the road 24/7, and we would get nothing done.  So as a coping strategy, we've learned to be a little more independent and adjust.  This makes getting back together every other weekend tricky.  It takes some readjusting, as I mentioned.  This continuous adaptation and built resiliency is what will allow our relationship to thrive when that amazing point in our relationship comes when we actually get to live in the same town and/or house.  We will have learned to adjust, cope, be resilient, and be independent so many times-that any conflict thrown our way will be resolved with the blink of an eye (and a little communication).  I already see this playing out in our relationships, and is probably a big reason why we have little conflict.  We know how to adjust, communicate, and thrive.  OK, that was a major side note/tangent, but is something that I have been coming to terms with for several weeks now, and couldn't wait to get it out there.

Winter

I really am a visual learner, so it is interesting to me why I don't post more pictures to tell my stories.  Maybe it is because my camera doesn't work all that well, so we rely on Casey's...or maybe it's just because I love to type endlessly, usually in procrastination of reading or studying or something (like now).  Regardless, these few pictures pretty much sum up Winter 2010-2011 (thus far)...holidays, snow, dancing, and baby June. Enjoy.

Grandpa John and Imelda visit from California

Beautifully decorated Christmas cookies.  A Williams family tradition.

Christmas morning...dressed for the occaision. Excuse the early morning faces.

Casey getting his groove on, New Years Eve.  It's his thing, and he does it well.  This was my first time EVER being out in public to ring in the new year.  Needless to say, counting down in a public place with several 20-something year olds is much different than counting down to the new year on the couch in pajamas.

Cuddling Baby June.

She loves her daddy... 

A little happy family. We really do love her. 

Beautiful Wallowa Mountains. Casey always seems to capture perfect moments.



Weekly

I suppose a weekly blog update (at best) is all I can manage these days.  That will have to do for now.  In the words of the farmer from the movie Babe: "that'll do pig, that'll do." Yes, I really just quoted a farmer from a children's movie in my blog.  My ever so professional and eloquent blog.

Anyway, another week down, and honestly I do not know where it went.  I suppose it went into reading, quiz preparation, exam grading, ab-workout teaching, discussing, sleeping, etc.  As I mentioned how busy I was to my mom, her response was, "well, did you expect grad school to be a breeze?"  And I guess she is right.  I did not expect it to be a breeze at all, but they totally tricked me last semester! I rarely did homework on the weekends, and I had plenty of free time to play and drink coffee and visit with friends.  This semester, not so much.  Of course, I have done my share of all of those things, but they have not been quite as relaxing.  I obviously still have time to blog...  Nevertheless, I came here to go to school, and this semester that is exactly what I am getting.  It will be okay.

I do worry about the stress of all this on my relationships.  Not only on my relationship with Casey, but on my other relationships as well.  With Casey, I worry that it will be weeks that we go apart, and I worry that I will "forget" how life is with him...because when we're apart I start to adjust to life without him.  It hasn't happened yet, and I think when you're in love, you don't let that happen.  But I am a worrier, hence the worrying. Nevertheless, for all of you blog readers out there wondering, we are doing great.  Christmas break rejuvenated our relationship, and so far this semester I have been a "sain" human being, and Casey reports that he has been great as well (he also has June to keep him company).  Other relationships are at stake as well.  When I get stressed or busy, I withdraw.  I hole up in my room and decline invitations to go out.  Which is fine...but not for an entire semester.  I have tried my hardest to force myself to get out there, and thus far I have proven to be fairly good at it.  We'll see what the rest of the semester brings in that regard.  Lastly, I find myself calling my parents and sister(s) and other friends less and less the busier I get.  I do try my hardest to keep in touch...but sometimes we go a while.  I do know that they'll still love me when they see me again in May, though. That's comforting.

What was the point of this blog post? Who knows.  I guess to let all five of my readers know that it will be a busy semester and if you don't see blog updates or hear from me as frequently, don't worry, I'm (probably) still alive, I'm just swamped. 

2 weeks

It's been two weeks since I left Clarkston and my amazing winter break to come back to Missoula to start out graduate school semester number two!  It's actually been really great.  I thought I would need some time to readjust...and actually the first two or three days were quite the whirlwind (probably because I didn't come back until the night before classes started), but after that, I felt fine.  And I still do feel fine.  Maybe my heart and brain have accepted that this is how things are right now, and I will get through everything just fine! Maybe that's my high emotional intelligence coming through...we discussed that this week in my Theories of Health Behavior and Counseling class.  My other first-year grad student peers (there are only three of us in a class of over 30) agreed that I would score high on an emotional intelligence assessment...and I think they would too.

A lot has happened in these two weeks:

• I successfully was away from Casey and June without missing them TOO much.
• I got a research assistantship raise. YAY!
• I was put in a group for a huge program planning project, and we selected homeless women in Missoula as our target population.
• I met my eager undergrads of Beginning Fitness, and they are so great.
• I've started to budget my money.   Yes, I'm 22 and I have never kept track of my spending.  I figured it was about time.
• I finished a novel about the cholera outbreaks in the 1800's in Europe called "The Ghost Map" for my Environmental and Rural Health class.  It was a good read...I would recommend it to anyone.
• I met a new group of students in my Intercultural Youth and Family Development class...there are eight of us...we meet for 3 hours on Thursdays and talk about youth and family development issues, both locally and globally.  Very interesting.
• I found out I am going to learn how to use a scantron machine...how exciting! I've had many exams graded by one, but never knew how it worked...so next Tuesday at noon, the learning will begin. I'll let you know how it goes.
• I watched my first ever hockey game! It was alright...no fights.
• I've reconnected with some Missoula and grad school friends after the long break.  Cheers!
• I found out that a possible project for my thesis has the opportunity to get published.  Obviously, nothing has happened yet, but there is an evaluation out there that my advisor will be doing, and she asked if I would be interested in helping with it, and it has the possibility of being published.  I know that is vague, but that's really all I know. I will keep you updated.  I know it involves quality of life indicators with reservation communities and a community garden... :)

So, in sum, it has been a busy two weeks! Casey will be here later today, and we're looking forward to a weekend full of rest and relaxation.  Hopefully the next two weeks will be just as exciting, amazing, and fast :)